The Old Me Meets The Real Me

I won’t rehash the story of me and Jeff. If you are interested you can find it here and here.
I failed to mention in my earlier posts that where I live in Oklahoma is a short 12 miles from where Gary grew up. I don’t go there a lot for fear of running into his family.
Last November I was once again revisited by my past. I love to eat at Chili’s. I had been craving their Monterrey Chicken for weeks. We finally had the opportunity to go there and eat and we invited some friends along with us. We were there long enough to order our food. I looked up because I saw some people walking in and lo and behold if it wasn’t Gary. He looked me right in the eye then walked by me and sat two tables away from me with his back to me.
I sat in stunned silence. Was barely able to keep up with the lively conversation at our table. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the back of his head. A million things ran through my mind. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t him. He was too short, his hair wasn’t long enough, he was fatter then Gary. More people showed up to eat with his group. He was turned my way but wouldn’t look at me no matter how much I willed him to. I just had to be sure for myself that it was him. I was completely riveted to his face. He finally smiled at someone in the crowd. I saw the familiar wrinkling around his eyes. I knew it was him.
My attention was finally drawn back to our table. My friend’s husband was saying something smart ass to me. I picked up a butter knife. I heard Jeff say “What are you doing with that knife?” Then my friend started loudly saying “Get him Jen! Get him!” As she was saying it I looked to Gary again. He flinched! He was drawn up like he just knew the knife was coming to his back. The fucker always did think the world revolved around him.
I never said anything about seeing him there while we were eating. Jeff and my friend both knew the story behind him and they are both really angry over it so I didn’t want to cause a scene there. Especially when I was still questioning it being him. When we left I scanned the parking lot and found a vehicle with Alabama tags. My fears were confirmed. We got in the truck and started out the parking lot, I finally told Jeff. I had a lot of rage in my at the time. Thankfully Jeff stayed level headed and got me straight home.
For the next week his face haunted me. He was constantly on my mind. I had nightmares every night. I woke up scared. I was nervous every time a car pulled up at work. I just knew he was going to find me. I completely turned into that scared little 4 year old girl and did everything I could to avoid seeing him again.
One night I was laying in bed trying to not fall asleep because I knew I would dream about him again. My mind drifted to a conversation I had with a minister a few years ago about some rage I was feeling during my divorce. He gave me a scripture to repeat to myself whenever I felt rage boiling up. I started repeating it to myself and soon lulled myself to sleep. It was the best sleep I had since I saw Gary the week before.
I woke up the next morning and had an epiphany. It has stayed with me ever since. I am surrounded daily by people that truly love me and want nothing but the best for me. That man does NOT have a hold over me any more! I refuse to give into the fear ever again. My healing finally began.

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Published in: on May 21, 2008 at 5:00 am  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. YAY you! Sometimes it amazes me the things that trigger us into the healing!
    You go girl!

  2. Thanks!
    I just finally realized that as long as he was able to put that kind of fear or anger in me, he still controlled me.


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