The Old Me Part III

After I read the letters he wrote her, it became important to me that someone believed me that it happened. I started trying to find the friends of my mom’s that we talked to the night I told mom. They were like second parents to my brother and I growing up. We were always either at their house or their kids were at ours. We lost touch when mom left Gary.
I was finally able to locate him on one of the reunion websites. I emailed to make sure it was him. We exchanged a few emails back and forth until I got up the courage to ask him. I finally just simply asked if him and his wife believed me when I told them about it. He came back with a resounding yes! He told me that they tried everything they could to get mom to leave Gary but he had some kind of hold on her that couldn’t be explained. I didn’t need to hear anything else out of him about it. I immediately felt better just knowing they believed me.
I silently went about dealing with myself. Trying to get over a past I had locked away.
Late in 2004 my husband left me. After he was gone for a couple days I went to go talk to him to see if the marriage could be salvaged. He brought up the sex. Before I knew what was going on I started talking about Gary. It was like I was outside looking in and listening to myself talk. I told details of what he did to me. Then just as quick as it started to flow out of me it stopped. And it was like I woke up. I know that sounds really out there but it was so much like it wasn’t me talking at all.
That night it felt like a huge weight had lifted off of me. It hit me just how dumb I was to think I could silently work on myself. I had to get it out. I never really did talk in depth about it again but I did acknowledge that it happened.
Him and I got a divorce anyway. We both knew it was over long before we hit our 15th anniversary. We stayed together because we had 2 kids to raise and just because we had nothing better to do.
I never really started to date after our divorce. I had a few one night stands when needed but I took the following years to just work out my own shit. In February of 2006 I got a phone call from Jimmy. He told me that cancer had been found and he was going in for brain surgery on the 3rd. My friend and I loaded up and headed for Alabama. It was the first time in almost 20 years I had been back there.
I was apprehensive about going. I didn’t want to run into Gary or deal with any of that. It turned out to be a good trip home considering the circumstances. We took a little side trip before we left for home to visit the old friends I mentioned earlier. The ones that believed me. We talked for a little while and he told me other stories about Gary that I never knew. They were all horror stories about him beating his new wife after mom left him. He told me stories of drugs and alcohol. You name it…Gary was involved in it.
In October I was once again summoned back to Alabama. My dad was losing his battle with cancer. I never knew it was as bad as it was. He played it all off to me. I know it was because he was still trying to protect me.
The morning my flight arrived my aunt took me to see him. He was just a shell of the man he used to be. He was miserable and he was trying to hold on with every painful breath he took. I leaned down and whispered to him that it was time to stop protecting me. I told him that when he found the man to fill his shoes send him my way. My dad passed away that night. After the funeral I hopped a plane and came back home. A month later I met Jeff. It didn’t take long to realize he was the one for me.

Published in: on May 20, 2008 at 5:00 am  Leave a Comment  

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