The Old Me Part II

For the most part we were taken care of during our childhood. We always had what we needed and most all of what we wanted. I can’t complain about any of that. There were times throughout my life that I can even say we were a family as warped as it might have been. The problem was never really dealt with by me or any one else in the family. From what I understand my brother was completely oblivious to what had happened. I’m actually happy for him that he was and probably still is oblivious.
Just before my 16th birthday I got into a lot of trouble because of a rumor that was repeated in earshot of my uncle. He told my parents. They beat the shit out of me. I don’t mean bend over and let me spank you, I mean they beat the ever loving dog shit out of me. I used to have a gap between my front teeth and by the time it was over my teeth overlapped. After they were done with the beating they loaded me up and we went to my friends house so my parents could talk to her parents. Only after they talked they found out the rumor was a complete lie. It was a high school fabrication. I never got an apology from my parents or my uncle. I think they decided to just let me slide the next time I actually did something. I attempted suicide a week or so later. Hell, I even screwed that up thankfully.
On my 16th birthday I went to work with mom. Flowers were delivered there for me. (It was my first time ever receiving flowers.) I was so excited over them that I went to show my aunt and uncle when I got home. There was a man at their house that I had never met. His name was Jimmy and I was completely drawn to him. It was odd because I was very leery of men to the point I never even had a real boyfriend. I think I instinctively knew he was the man that God intended to show me what it was like to have a real dad.
My mom left Gary for Jimmy a few months later. They left town because Gary was an evil man. I was left behind to live with Jimmy’s sister. That’s not a bad thing because we got along great and I was able to stay near my friends. After school that year I got to move to Oklahoma with my mom and Jimmy. I entered into a part of my life that was the happiest I had ever been. As long as Jimmy was in my life I never felt insecure about my position in his life. He was always very protective of me.
After I graduated I met Travis. Like a lot of young girls I fell for an older guy. It didn’t take long before I ended up pregnant with my daughter. After him and I moved in together I told him about Gary. It was the first time I talked about my past with anyone. I never went into any details. I put it in my own head that as an adult it was up to me to take responsibility for my own actions and feelings. So I slapped on a happy face and went through the motions of being a wife for him. The sex was hard for me because there were times that he would touch me and I would be reminded of Gary. It wasn’t his fault but it happened. I started to withhold sex and if it wasn’t withheld it was just a quickie to satisfy him so he would go away and leave me alone.
He once talked to my mom (of all people) about it. Her and I went to town one night and she brought it up to me. I just simply asked her if she ever missed Gary. She said yes sometimes and I just started to cry. She looked at me and I saw the realization hit her. She said “Oh my God! He really did do that stuff to you!” I just said yes and turned my head away from her. It was never mentioned again.
My mom passed away in 2002. I went to clean out her house and found some letters Gary had wrote her after she found out about what he did to me. It gave me a better understanding of why she stayed with him. He was so convincing in those letters that even I started to wonder whether it had really happened. I don’t blame her anymore for staying with him, she was the type of woman that needed a man in her life. She did the best she could.

Published in: on May 19, 2008 at 5:00 am  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I very recently discovered your blog, and after reading this particular post, felt I must comment.
    I too am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I now work with survivors of rape and sexual assault, and I have one thing to say.
    What your mom did was so wrong. In believing a boyfriend over her daughter, when a child coming forward to tell about abuse is the hardest possible thing to do, was wrong. For her to stay with him, to subject you to the potential for further abuse at the hands of this person just so she would not have to be alone is tragic. For any parent to chose a lover over a child is criminal. I am sorry if I have upset you, as it seems from your post that you have made peace with what your mom did.
    I am sorry that that was done to you, and I truly hope you are in a better place today.

  2. lonestar gal- First thanks for stopping by!
    I’m not upset at all at your comments. I knew mom would take the hardest hit when I posted this but that’s ok. Since her death I gained a better understanding of her life. With that I was able to forgive her for the role she played in my sometimes destructive behavior. It also helped me in raising my own daughter. She KNOWS without any hesitation that I will listen to her about anything and believe her first until proved right or wrong.
    Fear not! This story does have a happy ending. I didn’t want to put it all out there at once so there are at least two more parts coming. The better parts. šŸ™‚

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