Belonging

I have been married for a week now. Over the course of the last week I have been asked several times “So, how does it feel to be married?” I don’t usually answer with the first word that pops into my head because I haven’t had the time to analyze why that word kept popping up. I answered truthfully each time and said it felt great. That word that kept popping into my head was different.
We took a small trip yesterday and I had time to sit and just think about things. This is my second marriage. With both of them I lived with my husband for awhile before I married them. With my first I lived with him 12 years and with Jeff we lived together 3 months. When my ex and I got married it was just a run to the court house and it was done. He went to work that night and I did my normal thing at home. It was pretty much same shit different day.
Immediately after marrying Jeff I felt different. It felt good but different. I sat down with myself yesterday and I figured it out. I am finally where I belong. We all want to belong and in a sense I have always belonged somewhere but, never totally belonged where I was.
I have a few friends. I am very picky about who I call friend and who I let truly into my world. I have always belonged with these people. They were my friends before marriage and will be my friends during my marriage. I belong with them. But, something still wasn’t quite all there.
There is my family. I don’t talk to all of my family. There are just a few that I actually let get close to me. Maybe it’s because I have always felt I don’t belong with them? I don’t really know the answer to that but even they don’t always get the “real” me. They get the watered down version that is just easiest to give them.
Now, I am a part of something. I am where I am meant to be. I don’t have any doubts in my mind at all when it concerns who I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. I belong with him. We belong together. We are a part of something that belongs to just us. I am content.
I realized this yesterday because this trip we went on took us to a part of his past. Before we were married when something came up I got a small twinge of jealousy (nothing I couldn’t put into check real quick) or maybe it was insecurity. I felt none of that yesterday. I felt safe.

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Published in: on April 9, 2007 at 6:23 pm  Leave a Comment  

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