Dating

I think I have finally figured out this whole dating site thing. I am going to share with you today my profile at the one I use.

I find most dating sites completely unoriginal. Everyone wants that honest someone else but then it’s the honest ones that are passed over. Even though I figure that is true I am gonna honestly describe me. I really don’t play head games but I will lie to you if I feel I need to, I’m a woman that’s what I’m supposed to do right? I really don’t care if your ex burned you really badly. Mine did too I got over it…you can too. I don’t need a man to take care of me I actually can do it on my own but if your willing to fork over the cash, I will take it. Yes, I do expect you to pay for our dates and no I probably won’t put out in return. I think I’m a good person and I think I am downright entertaining most of the time.

I do realize it’s a bit harsh and kinda sets me up as a bitch. The way I see it, it SHOULD weed out the jackasses. I have met a couple very interesting men that just want to find out if I am really that bitter. They have found out that I’m not and we talk on a regular basis. Just the other day after three emails I got a marriage proposal. (That weirded me out a tad. LOL)
Now for the other guys this line right here: I don’t need a man to take care of me I actually can do it on my own but if your willing to fork over the cash, I will take it. translates into…I am a drug addicted crack whore that bleeds men dry of all their money then moves on to my next victim. The couple of times someone has actually said that to me got them shut down real quick and ended with very nice apologies.
Then at the bottom of my profile I have this: ** If you are just looking for a friend with benefits most likely the only thing you will get is the benefit of the delete button. Which apparently translates into: Please fuck me retarded! I get at least two emails a day asking me to hook up in various forms. I usually just say no thanks or ignore them. (I did say usually cause sometimes I get a little mean…just depends on how they said it.)
Now one of my pictures is me standing in front of the mirror FULLY CLOTHED with my tongue sticking out. I just liked that picture of me. This picture translates into: Holy Shit her tongue is peirced! She must want to suck me raw!! My tongue is peirced because I wanted it peirced and well to piss someone off not so I could run around the world on a mission of mercy to suck off every man that ever had a tongue ring fantasy. (Just for the record most all men report no difference in peirced/not peirced.)
I guess all I’m really trying to say here is: Can one of you guys please get me a copy of the woman to man translation dictionary so I don’t have to think so damn hard?
Published in: on December 29, 2006 at 7:36 pm  Leave a Comment  

For My Friends On My Birthday….

I’ve always considered myself a friendly type person. I know I rant and complain a lot about hating people and such but I really don’t for the most part. I love them all. They are a constant source of entertainment for me. But, there are a rare few that I actually consider friends. And even fewer that I would trust my most valued possession to… my yarn stash kids. I rarely tell you but I want you each to know exactly what you mean to me.
Billie – My sin twister. You are the other half of my brain. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t around this time two years ago. You were the life raft that I clung to and helped me out in more ways then one and I still cling to you because I always know you will be there to save me. You knew how bad I hated waking up alone and called me every morning for months just so I wouldn’t have to. Thanks for always being there for me and loving me even though you know me.
Robin – My “wife”. You wake me up with coffee every morning and send me off to bed every night with a full stomach. You listen to me whine and bitch and deal very well with each new personality that you meet. Thank you for taking on the role of my wife because we all know I need someone to help keep up with me on a day to day basis. I don’t know what I would do without you.
The man that I can not say his name on this blog – Thank you for showing me a side of you that you rarely show anyone else. You make me laugh daily and make me want to slap the shit out of you at least once a week. I always know that I can count on you when I need you to be there for me…even if it’s just to bitch slap me and tell me to snap out of it. It makes for a wild ride. 🙂
My kids – I love you guys with all my heart. And some day I hope to be the kind of mom that you deserve.
Zimmy – We only “met” a few months ago but I feel like we have been life long friends. It is uncanny how our lives have seemed to parallel. You have enriched my life with more laughter and wisdom. I really enjoy talking crochet with you and you can count on me to help you discover that you really can learn all there is to know about it. Thank you for coming into my life.
Cristie – I think it’s odd that we live as close as we do and are such a part of each other’s daily lives and we have never officially met. I really enjoy talking to you and I am really sorry that I wasn’t much of a comfort for you when we lost Cathi. I know she watches out for us and always has. I really felt at times that we were her daughters and always expected her to put us in corners when we didn’t listen to her. LOL You are an inspiration to me in many ways and I hope to some day be as strong a woman as you are.
My friends in Edmond – I don’t know if you read this or not but I want the world to know what you mean to me. Lisa, Tessa, Kimberly, Valerie you four taught me so much in the little time we had with each other. You are all strong women and help me to reign in some of my “little girl lost” tendancies. I love you and I miss you so much!
Mike – I can always count on you for an ego boost when I need it. You tickle me to no end and always make me smile when I’m really not feeling it. Thank you for catching my teeth and holding my hair.
Evie – We have only just begun but I enjoy talking to you and enjoy your soft heart. I truly hope that you get everything you dream of. And I know you must be on a mercy mission from God for dealing with Mike on a daily basis.
Okay…enough with the mush…Party On!!

Published in: on December 28, 2006 at 3:51 pm  Leave a Comment  

Making An Appearance

This morning I had to go back to court. You remember…for my little arrest back before Thanksgiving. Well when I made my appearance back then they gave me until today to get my driver’s license back and to get insurance on my car. Well, I got the insurance but not my license.
After sitting there waiting for an hour and trying to not throw up cause I was that nervous, they finally call my name. They dropped all charges on the insurance and gave me one more month to get my license back. If I don’t get my fines taken care of or if I don’t show up for court they will be engraving a formal invitation for me to spend a few nights with them. I think I will manage to get it all taken care of. I really do enjoy sleep overs but this one just ain’t sounding very fun!

Published in: on December 27, 2006 at 7:26 pm  Leave a Comment  

Random

Yup as it would appear…you are stuck with more random crap from the recesses of my brain. 🙂

  • Last Saturday around lunch I sent Billie a text asking her for my very own elf for Christmas that would run up to the cafe and get me some food. Then I got online and I had a message from her telling me to check under my tree. She had already given me an elf early that morning. Weird!
  • I just got a marriage proposal of sorts.
  • All my life, in every house I have lived in, my bathrooms have always been blue. I hate that. I decided that I am going to decorate my bathroom red and gold now.
  • A few people have been analyzing me lately. (I really don’t mind that. It’s the “save me” people that bother me. ) Anyway, the folks analyzing me don’t really bother me because well a lot of times they bring things to my attention that I haven’t noticed. Some of them I really do listen to and want to deal with. Last night I was laying in bed and came to the realization that if I “fix” the things that are wrong with me I will no longer be me. I might be really frigged up but my friggeduppedness is what makes me…well me! If I change very many things I will become a Stepford Wife…without the husband.
  • I STILL haven’t finished my Christmas shopping.
  • For Christmas I got my boss a 6 pack of Corona and a boob that I bought from a Mexican standing on the side of the road.
  • I tried to say Howdy to someone today and it came out Hellody! I think I am gonna keep that.
Published in: on December 26, 2006 at 8:46 pm  Leave a Comment  

My Baby’s Moving Home!!

When I got divorced two years ago my youngest moved in with his dad. He said he needed the male influence at this stage in his life. (He was 10) I got my Christmas present from him Friday night. I got his school transfer papers! He’s moving back in with me! I’m so excited. I have missed his little ass being in my house all the time.
Another thing I just realized and it’s a good thing but not as good as the first thing…Not only is Thursday my birthday but it’s also the 2nd anniversary of my ex leaving me! Woohoo!!!

Published in: on December 25, 2006 at 3:16 am  Leave a Comment  

Because I’m Selfish Like That…

Feel free to leave me a present.

Get Your Own! More Flash Toys

Sex tape? I don’t friggin think so!

Published in: on December 19, 2006 at 7:42 pm  Leave a Comment  

My Daughter…The Mathematician

After reading this conversation I had last night with my daughter, I’m going to be hard pressed to convince anyone that she is a straight A student. She is taking not one but two math classes this year; Algebra and Financial Math, she currently has an A in both of these.
Her: Mom, take me to the store.
Me: Can’t. I only have $10 for the rest of the week and I need gas.
Her: Well, I only want $4 so that leaves you with $6 for gas.
Me: That will only get me to work and back one day.
Her: Well then the rest isn’t going to matter cause it will only get you to work and back and then half way home.
Me: It will get me there and back and then back there again.
Her: No it won’t it will only get you half way back.
Me: Dj, baby, $3 to get me there, $3 to get me back home, $3 to get me back to work.
Her: But mom the extra $4 isn’t going to make a difference.
Me: Dj? $3 to get there, $3 to get…
Her: But…(little light bulb moment) Oh!…Can I pluck your eye brows?
This conversation took place AFTER she tried for 15 minutes to convince me she has more common sense then all her friends. I’m kind of scared now that this is the child that will most likely pick out my nursing home.
Published in: on December 19, 2006 at 3:46 pm  Leave a Comment  

Rant…Filled With Love

I was reading Billie’s blog yesterday. Not a lot of people know, or maybe they do, that Bill is not only my best friend but for the past 15 years she has been my niece. Which pretty much means I have a vested interest in her and her offspring. That kid ^ up there. That’s her daughter, Mindy. Or Mindyfer as I like to call her, or Minty Donut, or Mini or whatever comes to mind at the time.
I have a few things I would like to say to her “family”. I use that term loosely when talking about these people because for the most part they have been nothing more then a source of heartache for her. I’m talking about her father and her grandmother. All I have to say to him is Fuck you Scottie for ever putting a frown on that little girl’s face. Fuck you for thinking all it took to be a daddy is an annual visit filled with big promises. Fuck you grandma and your recycled Christmas cards and your massive guilt trips because she doesn’t want to come to your house and be your little slave. (My grandmother that freely admitted that she hated me was even able to go buy me $1 card every year.)
You know the two of you really screwed up. You will never know that little girl the way I do. You will never know what it’s like to watch her excited to tell you the story of what happened during her day. You will never understand her wit and humor. Eventually she is going to grow tired of your cat and mouse game and cut you loose completely.
We are the family she knows she can count on no matter what the problem is. We are the ones she runs to with hugs and kisses and I love yous. We are the ones that she will come to when she needs her spirits lifted. We are the ones she will come to with all her triumphs. And We will NOT be the ones left sitting around wondering why she wants nothing to do with us.
I guess I do owe you a bit of a thank you. You did help make it possible for her to be in my life. And since you did do “your part” I know that every time I see her I will hear the excited sound of JENNYFER!!! and get a big hug from her. Thank you for that. But for everything else all I have to say is this…..

FUCK YOU!!!
And have a nice day!
Published in: on December 18, 2006 at 6:47 pm  Leave a Comment  

For Robin

This is Satan your cat when you aren’t around. And the fact that the demon from the pits of hell your cat enjoys a good brew from time to time…is it’s only saving grace!
Published in: on December 15, 2006 at 8:51 pm  Leave a Comment  

Anticipation

I really, really, REALLY want my lip to heal quick so I can take the hoop out and try to spit tea thru the hole!
Published in: on December 14, 2006 at 5:10 pm  Leave a Comment