Coffee and Suicide

I have figured out a few truths about myself in the past week. Since I can’t figure out how to sugar coat it, I’m just gonna lay it out there.
I think I am somewhat masochistic. I love coffee. I feel my day hasn’t started right if it starts without it. (Not sure my day really starts at all without it.) Yet, I never remember to buy it when I go to the store. I am always out of coffee. I went a month or so forgetting to buy it. Why do I do this to myself?
I have also figured out that I am really not the compassionate person I always that I was. I have been thinking a lot about suicide. Not actually killing myself, just suicide in general. I do believe there are a lot of truly depressed people out there that make the decision to do it. I do have compassion for those people and if I ever ran across them I would be the first one to try and talk them out of it.
Twice in my life I have made the attempt. Thanks be to God I wasn’t able to follow through for one weird reason or another. There was always an intervention. After the second time I decided I’m meant to stay here to work through whatever the plan for my life is. I have decided that it would be a very cowardly and selfish thing for me to do and I can’t actually see myself ever trying it again. I’m stronger then that. Both times that the attempt was about to be made it never even crossed my mind to tell someone I was about to do it. It was personal and I didn’t want to be saved.
I also think there are a lot of people out there that say they are going to do it just to be the drama queens that they are. These people irritate me to no end. Years ago a guy showed me these little bead like things and said that when mixed with water they are deadly and if things didn’t go his way that night he was gonna drink them. After many hours of trying to bully the woman of his dreams into loving him didn’t pay off he pulled out his trump card, those little pink beads. For another hour or so I heard him whining to her about if she didn’t come back to him his life wasn’t worth living and he was going to kill himself.
When I couldn’t take it anymore I grabbed the beads from him, put them in a cup and filled it with water. I handed it over and said “Hurry up…I need to sleep cause I got school tomorrow!” Of course he didn’t drink it. He never had any intention of drinking it just wanted to put on a good show.
I don’t think I would be much positive help at a suicide helpline. I just can’t muster up the compassion to deal with drama queens. Which in turn might make me too bitter to deal with the people that have a real need to talk and be loved even if it’s just for a few minutes.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, reconsider. If you go out like that you not only lose but you make the ones that are causing you the grief the winners in this game. Give things another shot….you just might find out what an awesome person your are.
To those that are just using the suicide card to get attention or to bully someone into doing your bidding…please don’t come to me for attention. I think the only thing I could tell you would be go for it, it’s time to cull the herd!
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Published in: on November 6, 2006 at 4:33 pm  Leave a Comment  

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